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1. |
Everything
02:16
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This is a cover of a song called Everything
When you’ve heard it, you can say you’ve heard Everything
When I’m done, then I can say I’ve done Everything
Though Everything has all been done before
If you’re wondering if you can hear Everything
You’re in luck because I think I know Everything
So if you look at me and say you want Everything
I’ll look right back and give you Everything
Was it Everything you hoped for?
Was it Everything you need?
When it’s over I’ll have given you Everything
This is the story of a song called Everything
The guy that wrote it is the guy that wrote Everything
He went to Vegas, I’m afraid he lost Everything
And then his wife uncovered Everything
She called her lawyer up and she got half of Everything
But they’re happy now I guess that covers Everything
So if your server asks you “How was Everything?”
I hope you’ll say that Everything was fine
Was it Everything you hoped for?
Was it Everything you need?
When it’s over I’ll have given you Everything
Did you say that you would rather hear Nothing?
Well I can’t play Nothing ’cause I don’t know Nothing
But if you walk away and leave me with Nothing
I’ll learn Nothing ’til I see your face again
And on that day then I will play you Nothing
If you like it I’ll be like “Aw shucks it was Nothing”
If you don’t I’ll cry boo hoo but there’s Nothing left to do
Because Everything has all been done before
Was it Nothing you expected?
Was it Nothing like you dreamed?
You wanted Nothing but I’ve given you Everything
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2. |
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She’s Momba The Radioactive Cat
Momba The Radioactive Cat
They injected her with iodine to cure her thyroid gland
She escaped them and now she roams the land
She escaped and she foiled their evil plan
Her atomic breath blew up their secret lab
Now she’s heading off to Toyko, she’s gonna stomp in flat-
She’s Momba The Radioactive Cat
First she stomped St. Louis though her feet got kinda gouis
Then she stomped Kansas City and she stomped Kansas City
Then she de-stroyed Denver and she smashed up San Fran
We all wondered how she planned to get across the o-cean
But Momba The Radioactive Cat
Strapped a piece of buttered toast across her back
‘Cause toast lands on the butter side, and cats land on their feet
She went spinning through the air across the sea
Then she ate Godzilla though he made her kinda ill-a
And she ate Godzuki though he almost made her pukie
Took a beet-a Ghidra and a gobble-a Gamorah
It was quite a sight to see I wish I’d brought my camera
Now, here’s a dietary fact
Giant monsters are really high in fat
But if you know what’s good for you you will not mention that
To Momba The Radioactive Cat
Cause she munched on Mothra though he tasted pretty aw-flah
And she scarfed up Rodin though she came close to explodin’
Then moved on to Megalon in tiny bites ’til he was gone
Then yawned and gave her lips a smack –
She’s Momba The Radioactive Cat!
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3. |
She Tortures Barbies
02:33
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My niece is ten
She tortures Barbies
She pulls their arms off
Then tapes them back
She ties them up
For her stuffed animals
They circle round
Then they attack
They sing:
Let’s bury Barbie in the backyard
We’ll have a party and then
We’ll bury Barbie in the backyard
Dig her up and do it again
She tortures Barbies
‘Cause they’re so girly
Their feet are tiny
Their boobs are huge
Can’t run and play
They just go shopping
For stuff that’s boring
Like clothes and shoes…
Let’s bury Barbie in the backyard
We’ll have a party and then
We’ll bury Barbie in the backyard
Dig her up and do it again
And stately Trent the lion says
“I know what we should do –
Let’s get the gang together and
We’ll have a Barbie-Q!”
A hundred hungry webkins come
To sample the cuisine
Yeah, the drumstick’s kind of scrawny
But the white meat’s far from lean
And the kangaroo says:
“Let’s barbie Barbie on the barbie
Feed her to all of our friends”
We’ll bury Barbie in the backyard
Says my niece, who’s recently ten
A moonless night
A stroke of lightning
A tiny hand
Pokes from the ground
What’s that scratching
At the back door?
Don’t open it
Don’t look around
Let’s bury Barbie in the backyard
We’ll have a party and then
We’ll bury Barbie in the backyard
Dig her up and do it again
Let’s barbie Barbie on the barbie
Feed her to all of our friends
We’ll bury Barbie in the backyard
Says my niece, who’s recently ten
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4. |
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If I were a pirate I would carry off your heart
Swing down from the rigging with my parrot, saying “Arrr”
You must admit a sailing ship is cooler than a car
And if I were a pirate you would love me
And if I were a pirate I would know just what to do
I would take you to an island far across the ocean blue
Lock you in a secret cave and then I’d kill my crew
If I were a pirate, I’d love you
If I were a ninja I would steal away your heart
Silently I’d strike out from the shadows in the dark
You wouldn’t notice it was gone until you saw my mark
And if I were a ninja, you would love me
And if I were a ninja, I would know just what to do
Sweep you off your feet with all my special ninja moves
The secret ones you read about in ninja FAQs
If I were a ninja, I’d love you
If I were a zombie, I’d refuse to eat your heart
Brains or spleen or pancreas or any other part
I’d be there for you when you broke down by some deserted farm
And if I were a zombie you would love me
And if I were a zombie, I would know just what to do
I would rise up from my shallow grave beneath the toxic goo
Bite you just enough so you would be a zombie too
If I were a zombie I’d love you
But if I were a pirate ninja zombie, that’d be best
I would blow your mind with the combined advantages
The ride, the moves, the hickies baby
How could you resist?
If I were a pirate ninja zombie
And if I were a pirate ninja zombie, I would rule!
I’d be sitting high atop the pinnacle of cool
I’d be all over the Internet and on the talk shows too
If I were a pirate ninja zombie
If I were a pirate ninja zombie!
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5. |
Forgetful
01:49
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Drove to the shopping mall, forgot where I parked
Forgot where I parked, forgot where I parked
Drove to the shopping mall, forgot where I parked
And now I can never go home
So you see I must live at the mall
Between the Food Court and the Big And Tall
And I wrote my number on the bathroom wall
And now I will never be alone
Oh – oh – now I will never be alone
Drove to the zoo and I forgot where I parked
Forgot where I parked, forgot where I parked
Drove to the zoo and I forgot where I parked
And now I can never go home
So you see I must live at the zoo
With the Wildebeest and Caribou
And the monkey see and the monkey doo
And now I will never be alone
Oh – oh – now I will never be alone
How did I get to be so forgetful?
I wish I… something … something … something…
Drove here to your place, I forgot where I parked
Forgot where I parked, forgot where I parked
Drove here to your place, I forgot where I parked
And now I can never go home
So you see I must live here with you
Just scoot over now there’s plenty of room
And two can eat as cheaply as two
And now we will never be alone
Oh – oh – now we will never be alone
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6. |
Crazy Picasso-Eyed Lady
01:48
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I cruise art galleries just checking out the foxy paintings
They say ’embrace the arts’ but when I try they will not let me
Classical, Realist, and Impressionist get the most attention, but
I think I’m falling for a woman in the abstract section… hey!
Crazy Picasso-Eyed Lady
Why tell me why won’t you look my way?
How can I tell if you look my way?
It’s really kind of hard to say now
Crazy Picasso-Eyed Lady
Why tell me why can’t I catch your eye?
I wanna catch your eye and I don’t know why
But I’d better move fast ’cause it’s starting to slide down your face
Crazy Picasso eyes look down on me unevenly
Oh, can’t you hear a word I’m singing?
Her tiny lips won’t smile
She cannot hear she has no ears
Her face would melt a clock
In a painting by another artist… hey!
Crazy Picasso-Eyed Lady
Why tell me why do you look so fine?
I think you’ve been framed and you oughta be free
So get off the wall and dance with me tonight
Crazy Picasso-Eyed Lady
Crazy Picasso-Eyed Lady
Crazy Picasso-Eyed Lady
Yeah, yeah, baby
Crazy Picasso-Eyed Lady
Crazy Picasso-Eyed Lady
Crazy Picasso-Eyed Lady
Yeah, yeah, baby
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7. |
Eclipsed By Your Behind
02:54
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I was lying on the beach soaking up the heat
When suddenly a chill ran down my spine
I looked up to see a shadow over me
Where the sun was eclipsed by your behind
Where the sun was eclipsed by your behind your behind
Where the sun was eclipsed by your behind
Where the sun was eclipsed by your behind your behind
Where the sun was eclipsed by your behind
Now madam would you mind, I don’t mean to be unkind
Or offend you ’cause you know I really care
But I’m trying to bask, and so I have to ask –
Please, could you move your derrierre?
Cause the sun is eclipsed by your behind, your behind
Cause the sun is eclipsed by your behind
Cause the sun is eclipsed by your behind, your behind
Cause the sun is eclipsed by your behind
As you scoot away I return to light of day
But now I feel my insides melt to mush
Cause in that light I see that I was meant to be
In the shade of your titanic tush
And if the sun is eclipsed by your behind I don’t mind
If the sun is eclipsed by your behind
If the sun is eclipsed by your behind I don’t mind
If the sun is eclipsed by your behind
Now through this world of sand we’ll go marching hand in hand
And together face whatever is to come
When you’re by my side, I know I can always hide
Safe beneath the shelter of your bum
If the sun is eclipsed by your behind I don’t mind
If the sun is eclipsed by your behind
Like our love, it keeps growing all the time all the time
Till the sun is eclipsed by your behind
If the sun is eclipsed by your behind I don’t mind
If the sun is eclipsed by your behind
Now I’ve got really odd tanning lines but I’m fine
If the sun is eclipsed by your behind
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8. |
C-Clamps
02:42
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Well I’m looking for my c-clamps
I’ve got c-clamps on my mind
Yeah I’m looking for my c-clamps
Why are they so hard to find?
There are people in this world
Who have never heard of c-clamps
They don’t know what I mean
Or why I sing this song
Other people in this world
Are quite familiar with c-clamps
And they know what I mean
Still don’t know why I sing this song
I looked all over the basement
And I opened every drawer
And I really can’t remember
What I last used them for
There are people in this world
Who cannot afford a c-clamp
It would be a priceless treasure
They could never set aside
Other people in this world
Are quite casual about c-clamps
And will even put them places
They’re impossible to find
But one of the drawers I opened
Didn’t open all the way
Something’s sticking up in back there
Behind the riches on display
Now I want to tell the world
That I finally found my c-clamps
If you know what I mean
That’s why I sing this song
In the back of a drawer
That was stuffed too full to open
If you don’t know what I mean
It’s still why I sing this song
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9. |
The Hero Song
03:56
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Well, it’s time again to take out the trash
Another week is gone in a flash
Seems the longer you live, the faster that time goes by
And though it’s necessary to do
I would really like to try something new
Like touch my special wristwatch and change into a giant robot
I am Compactorr
And I’m going to take out the trash for good!
You know that I would
Disintegrate it!
Fire once, and then I will soar into space
While everyone waves and wonders
Who is the man who will dare to pilot the Compactorr?
Who is the man in the heart of the can? Is it somebody we know?
Is he a man? Is he more than a man? Is he a hero?
Betrayed by my bladder
Waking up in the night
Just at the part of the dream that I like
I’m starting to fly when suddenly nature calls
And though it’s necessary to do
I would really like to try something new
Like instantly transfer the contents with my mind…
And maybe fight crime…
I’m Bladder Transfer Man
I’ll show the bad guys that I’m number one!
They’ll all turn and run!
Those evildoers
Will suddenly find out that they’ve got to go
And they’ll never know
Who is the man who can transfer the contents of his bladder?
Who is the man never goes to the can? Is it somebody we know?
Is he a man? Is he more than a man? Is he a hero?
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10. |
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Well I see on the computer
We got us an intruder
It could be a dude or
It could be a chick but either way
Get your butts up off the bench, men
I thought you were my henchmen
I’m trying to complete my accordion ray
(The boss has work to do
Here on Terror Island
So he send us for you
Here on Terror Island)
Man, I should’ve sent my robot
Should’ve send my dinosaur
Should’ve sent my killer robot dinosaur
Well, Hiya
Welcome to my island
What’s with all the spyin?
So my nemesis we meet at last
Now I put you in a death trap
Taunt you with my def rap
Gotta step away but I’ll be back
So listen from your prison to me dissin on your mission
In a minute my assistant will take over while I’m pissin
Got a terrible spiky wall buzz saw headed for your craw
Laser moving toward your crotch and I can’t bear to watch
So I’ll be back
(The boss has work to do
Here on Terror Island
There’s no escape for you
Here on Terror Island)
BOOM!
So I should’ve used a smaller duct for ventilation
Shouldn’t have put the self destruct next to Interrogation
Shouldn’t have hired a girl named “Linda Sack”
But hey I still escaped and ‘fore you know it I’ll be back!
So dread me
Never gonna get me
What you wanna bet me
Till you Boba Fett me I’ll be back
Had an island and you wrecked it
But I won’t be dejected
When you least expect it I’ll be back
It’ll never be a fair fight
Cause you know I’m so like
Your momma said last night I’ll be back
Oh, you know my rhymes are red-hot
Like my killer robot
Just like what my baby got I’ll be back
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11. |
I've Got A Fan In Canada
01:46
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I’ve been working trying to get my album noticed in this great big Internet world
The amount that’s out there is intimidating but today I got the word
I’ve got a fan in Canada
He bought my album on the web
Now I’m international
Thanks to you, my Canadian fan
Now I’m checking records on my server showing all the countries hits are coming from
Why is half my bandwidth going out to China? I don’t think they’re actually fans
But I’ve got a fan in Canada
He bought my album on the web
Now I’m international
Thanks to you, my Canadian fan
Was it the Google Adwords coupon from my web host? (You’ll never know)
Was it the free trial internet radio pay to play? (You’ll never know)
Was it Alanna tweeting ‘Pizza Girl’ in Louisville? (You’ll never know)
Or something else you could call “chance,” but I call “destiny”!
But I’ve got a fan in Canada
He bought my album on the web
Now I’m international
Thanks to you, my Canadian fan
Here’s to you, my Canadian fan
This song’s for you – my Canadian fan!
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12. |
Five Kinds Of Love
02:07
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When you say you love me, I wonder what you mean
‘Cause that one little word can be five different things
If we were ancient Greeks you could specifically say
If you meant Philia, Eros, Storge or Agape
Philia isn’t what it sounds like
It’s when you hug your bro and say “I lov you man”
Eros is the kind of luuuv that’s looking for some touch
Storge’s when your mommy says she wuvs you vewwy much
Agape is the Love Divine that’s unconditional,
And the kind that says “I LOVE that dress!”
They don’t call love at all..
Five kinds of love, but one little word
No wonder why it’s so inclined to be misunderstood
There’s just one little word for five kinds of love
It’s the same one for friends and lovers, family, God, and stuff
Now Philia as a suffix is quite different
Sometimes it means Eros, sometimes stuff
Spell check wants to change “storge” to “storage”
As though my family oughta be locked up
And but since we’re stuck with English I must ask the question thus:
Did you mean lov or luuuv or wuv or Love or LOVE?
Five kinds of love, but one little word
No wonder why it’s so inclined to be misunderstood
There’s just one little word for five kinds of love
It’s the same one for friends and lovers, family, God, and stuff
So please forgive my little dissertation
I’ll stop and put my soapbox to the side
It’s possible I may have been delayin’
To give me time to ponder my reply
So OK, here it goes now, I finally thought it through:
I lov, luuuv, and Love you but I don’t wuv or LOVE you.
Five kinds of love, but one little word
No wonder why it’s so inclined to be misunderstood
There’s just one little word for five kinds of love
It’s the same one for friends and lovers, family, God, and stuff
And if that’s not asking for trouble, what is???
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13. |
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I first saw Precious long ago
Hanging out fishing with my bro
Now maybe he saw Precious first
But soon we left him in the dirt
Why does it cry, Precious?
Now that you’re my Precious
We puts it on, and no one sees
Just want to hold Precious
Somebody stole my Precious
Oh, Precious, please come home to me
My and my Precious ran away
To hide out from the light of day
In lonely caves without a spark
We played riddles in the dark
Why does it cry, Precious?
The bright face blinds us, Precious
We puts it on, and no one sees
Just want to hold Precious
Somebody stole my Precious
Oh, Precious, please come home to me
One day another came to play
What’s in its pockets? It won’t say
Woke up to find my Precious gone
I’ll track that tricksy thiever down
For Precious’ sake, won’t do him harm
Just lead him to another’s arms…
Why does it cry, Precious?
I’ll walk the line for my Precious
We puts it on, and no one sees
Just want to hold Precious
Somebody stole my Precious
Oh, Precious, please come home to me
I fell in to a burning river of fire with my Precious
Oh, Precious, now you’re home with me
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14. |
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Have you had a lousy day?
Was it uphill all the way?
Is the world taking the wind out of your sails?
At least you don’t have to be
At the bottom of the sea
Burrowing into bones of fallen whales
When life is getting you down
Wake up and look around
And be glad you’re not a bone-eating snotworm
When you’re feeling low
Remember all you know
And be glad you’re not a bone-eating snotworm
Do you think you’ve got it rough?
Having problems with your love?
Well in the proper light the problem pales
If you’re annoyed by men
Getting underneath your skin
At least you don’t have fifty to a hundred microscopic males
When life is getting you down
Wake up and look around
And be glad you’re not a bone-eating snotworm
When you’re feeling low
Remember all you know
And be glad you’re not a bone-eating snotworm
They’re kingdom animalia, phylum annelida,
Class polychaeda, order sabellida,
Family sibloniglidae, genus osedax,
Yeah I checked wikipedia and looked up all the facts
Are you having issues with
A surplus or a lack of kids?
Do family planning perils cause you pain?
Well you know it could be worse
Yeah you could be giving birth
Every minute, every hour, of every day
When life is getting you down
Wake up and look around
And be glad you’re not a bone-eating snotworm
When you’re feeling low
Remember all you know
And be glad you’re not a bone-eating snotworm
Be glad you’re not a bone-eating snotworm
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15. |
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I want to play my music loud just like everybody else
I want to stand out in the crowd just like everybody else
And I want to be a rebel just like everybody else
Want to be unique and special just like everybody else
I want to capture your attention just like everybody else
I have a need for self-expression just like everybody else
But every generation the voices of rebellion
Are soon appropriated by the folk who do the sellin
A format on the radio a look sold off the rack
Featured in commercials for the latest Cadillac
And I want to be a rebel just like everybody else
I want to be unique and special just like everybody else
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16. |
Irv!
01:56
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Return with me now to that fateful day when Irv Kaputnik looked out his window and saw some kids playing tug of war in the alley…
“Well they use a rope to pull each other through the dirt
But perhaps that same rope might be used for cleaning dirt
From in between some close together things
Like picket fences, motor parts, or… teeth!”
And he ran right out to tell his wife, but she just scoffed
So he told her, “But I’m naming it after you, dear Floss!”
And through the night he heard the voices sing,
“Irv Kaputnik, don’t give up your dream!”
‘Cause the rope they used to pull each other through the dirt
Well you know that same rope could be used for cleaning dirt
From in between some close together things
Like picket fences, teeth, and you and me!
We’ll floss the world, Irv! (rpt)
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17. |
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My niece is ten
She tortures Barbies
She pulls their arms off
Then tapes them back
She ties them up
For her stuffed animals
They circle round
Then they attack
They sing:
Let’s bury Barbie in the backyard
We’ll have a party and then
We’ll bury Barbie in the backyard
Dig her up and do it again
She tortures Barbies
‘Cause they’re so girly
Their feet are tiny
Their boobs are huge
Can’t run and play
They just go shopping
For stuff that’s boring
Like clothes and shoes…
Let’s bury Barbie in the backyard
We’ll have a party and then
We’ll bury Barbie in the backyard
Dig her up and do it again
And stately Trent the lion says
“I know what we should do –
Let’s get the gang together and
We’ll have a Barbie-Q!”
A hundred hungry webkins come
To sample the cuisine
Yeah, the drumstick’s kind of scrawny
But the white meat’s far from lean
And the kangaroo says:
“Let’s barbie Barbie on the barbie
Feed her to all of our friends”
We’ll bury Barbie in the backyard
Says my niece, who’s recently ten
A moonless night
A stroke of lightning
A tiny hand
Pokes from the ground
What’s that scratching
At the back door?
Don’t open it
Don’t look around
Let’s bury Barbie in the backyard
We’ll have a party and then
We’ll bury Barbie in the backyard
Dig her up and do it again
Let’s barbie Barbie on the barbie
Feed her to all of our friends
We’ll bury Barbie in the backyard
Says my niece, who’s recently ten
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Captain Ambivalent Valparaiso, Indiana
A satirical singer/ songwriter/ superhero with a sparkly gold accordion. His glacial rise from obscurity to international obscurity began in Valparaiso, Indiana and has grown to include Doctor Demento, The Midnight Special, South Bend Public Television, PierogiFest, GenCon, one-man shows in Fringe Festivals and alternative theaters, and even a brief cameo on America’s Got Talent. ... more
Captain Ambivalent recommends:
Glorious & Idiotic
by Jazz Butcher Conspiracy
I love all the Jazz Butcher's funny songs. He was one of the first to open me up to the possibilities of humor in pop music. There are many more, but this seems to be the best collection on Bandcamp.
go to album
Really fun recent alternative with a sense of humor.
go to albumIf you like Captain Ambivalent, you may also like:
Speakeasy - Live 2016
by John Robins
Robins decided to release the recording of his 2016 comedy tour during the Covid-19 shutdown at the behest of fans.
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Taylor Ham, Egg, And Cheese
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Comedian Chris Gethard’s hilarious new surprise album is devoted to the great state of New Jersey, and the great state of New Jersey alone.
go to album
In A Time Of Trouble A Wild Exultation
by Jaye Bartell
A stunning and sparse follow-up to last year's "Light Enough" from Brooklyn songwriter Jaye Bartell.
go to album
Just Putting It Out There
by Aparna Nancherla
This dry, wry, gently absurdist comedian's first album is the inaugural release for Tig Notaro's new label, Bentzen Ball Records.
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