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She Tortures Barbies

from Pirate Ninja Zombie by Captain Ambivalent

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about

Based on an actual conversation. Though she assures me the Barbies won't actually rise from their graves because she pulls their heads off first.

lyrics

My niece is ten
She tortures Barbies
She pulls their arms off
Then tapes them back
She ties them up
For her stuffed animals
They circle round
Then they attack

They sing:

Let’s bury Barbie in the backyard
We’ll have a party and then
We’ll bury Barbie in the backyard
Dig her up and do it again

She tortures Barbies
‘Cause they’re so girly
Their feet are tiny
Their boobs are huge
Can’t run and play
They just go shopping
For stuff that’s boring
Like clothes and shoes…

Let’s bury Barbie in the backyard
We’ll have a party and then
We’ll bury Barbie in the backyard
Dig her up and do it again

And stately Trent the lion says
“I know what we should do –
Let’s get the gang together and
We’ll have a Barbie-Q!”
A hundred hungry webkins come
To sample the cuisine
Yeah, the drumstick’s kind of scrawny
But the white meat’s far from lean

And the kangaroo says:

“Let’s barbie Barbie on the barbie
Feed her to all of our friends”
We’ll bury Barbie in the backyard
Says my niece, who’s recently ten

A moonless night
A stroke of lightning
A tiny hand
Pokes from the ground
What’s that scratching
At the back door?
Don’t open it
Don’t look around

Let’s bury Barbie in the backyard
We’ll have a party and then
We’ll bury Barbie in the backyard
Dig her up and do it again

Let’s barbie Barbie on the barbie
Feed her to all of our friends
We’ll bury Barbie in the backyard
Says my niece, who’s recently ten

credits

from Pirate Ninja Zombie, released February 14, 2015
Discrete Drums by Chris McHugh with percussion by Erik Darken
Everything else by Dan Biemer
Muse: Olivia Evans

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Captain Ambivalent Valparaiso, Indiana

A satirical singer/ songwriter/ superhero with a sparkly gold accordion. His glacial rise from obscurity to international obscurity began in Valparaiso, Indiana and has grown to include Doctor Demento, The Midnight Special, South Bend Public Television, PierogiFest, GenCon, one-man shows in Fringe Festivals and alternative theaters, and even a brief cameo on America’s Got Talent. ... more

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